Travel Guide
by Reyka Sivao
Summary: In which Q and Lwaxana debate who gets to date Captain Picard. I should probably apologize for the existence of this.


Author's note: You can blame my sister for this one. Specifically:

"A fight to the death over Captain Picard. The winner gets to date him."

* * *

It was boring being omnipotent. That was the cardinal reality of the Q continuum, and of this Q in particular.

It was also boring being the most powerful telepath in the room. That was the cardinal reality of being Lwaxana Troi. It was excellent for coming up with biting rejoinders, but even that got old eventually.

The logical corollary to these cardinal realities was that interesting people and situations were not to be wasted.

Precisely how the tableau in ten-forward had come to be, no one was entirely certain, except possibly Guinan, who was leaning forward onto the counter with her hands folded.

Captain Picard certainly didn't know. He mostly just knew that he would rather be anywhere else, including stuck in a juvenile body at the academy being Westley Crusher's roommate.

"Clearly, _I_ am the better choice," said Q. "Omnipotence trumps...well, what doesn't omnipotence trump? Anything you have, I can have too."

Lwaxana flipped her hair. "Natural charm can't be faked, darling," she said. "You could look like me, and sound like me, but you'd lack a certain _je ne sais quoi_."

"Even if that were true," said Q, "I still have the galaxy at my disposal—and that's if I limit myself."

Lwaxana waved a hand. "You think too big," she said. "Do you really think mortals can possibly care about seeing everything? We're going to die before we could. What makes life worth living is the people in it. Friends, family..." she flipped her hair again and looked at Picard. "...lovers."

Picard cleared his throat and wished he had a nice space battle to oversee...or a diplomatic conference to smile at over his choking dress uniform collar. "Gentlebeings, I really don't think..."

"Hush, this doesn't involve you," said Lwaxana, turning back to Q. "Since I have more experience actually having _relationships_ with mortals, rather than treating them like playthings, I am far more qualified to pursue a relationship with our dear captain than you are."

"Excuse me," Picard tried again, but Q interrupted him.

"Who said anything about being mortal? Do you think I can't deal with a pesky detail like mortality? Time is such an _inconsequential_ thing. I could make anyone immortal, if I wanted to, or show them the beginning and end of the universe and everything in between without having them age a day, and then set them right back down where they started."

Lwaxana sniffed. "Irrelevant," she said.

"Irrelevant?" said Q. _Irrelevant?_" He snapped his fingers, and a light appeared hovering over his hand. "Do you know what this is? This is a pint-sized pocket of hydrogen fusion. A _star_, inside your precious starship, making the name oddly appropriate for once. And you think my powers are _irrelevant?_"

"That's fine for sight-seeing, dear," said Lwaxana. "But that's not what we're talking about."

Q dropped his hand and the light fizzled out. He crossed his arms and tapped at his elbows. "Maybe it should be," he said. "Shall I change the terms of the debate to the best vacation planner?" He raised his hand, fingers at the ready.

"There's an easier way, you know," said Guinan from her perch at the counter. "Or at least a more satisfying one."

Q stopped, and both he and Lwaxana looked at her.

"Oh?"

Guinan looked at them from over her folded hands. "Why talk about things if you can experience them firsthand?"

Lwaxana and Q looked at each other. Q raised his eyebrows. "Well," he said. "I suppose I could spare a fraction of eternity to show you the universe. Then we'll see how 'irrelevant' that ability is."

Lwaxana looked him over appraisingly.

"I won't age, and you'll bring me back to the present?"

Q scoffed. "I could make you younger," he said, "though of course I make no promises that I'll actually do that."

Lwaxana tilted her head. "Well, if you're offering," she said, and held out her hand.

Q made a bow, elaborate to the point of being parody, and took her hand, making them both disappear in a blink of light.

Picard looked at Guinan. "Thank you."

Guinan glanced over at him without changing her pose. "Don't thank me too soon," she said. "They'll probably be back in five minutes."

Picard glanced at the empty space in the middle of ten-forward.

"I'll be on the bridge," he said. "If you need me, I'll be requesting immediate assignment to the Gamma quadrant."

"Good luck," said Guinan, and pulled a bottle from under the counter and swigged it. "You'll need it."


End file.
